Depression

Life sucks, but what you gonna do about it?

/ Lisa / 4 Comments

Things have been getting to me lately. Like, really getting to me.

I’ve been trying to look on the bright side and think ‘a job will come soon’ or ‘not long now’.

But I’m losing that. I’ve had three job interviews this year – that’s also three since I was let go from previous employer. So obviously there is something that I have that employers are interested in.

But I just can’t seem to hook that job.

It is frustrating, upsetting and quite frankly, annoying.

And I feel I’m running out of time.

Since I finished uni in November 2009, I have been on the sickness benefit, not the dole, like some would believe. Back then, I needed it. I didn’t need WINZ breathing down my neck every week asking whether I had gotten a job. Basically on the sickness benefit, they leave you alone as long as you get a medical certificate every three months. Something my Doctor was quite willing to provide, as she could see I was nowhere near capable of taking on a full-time job. And I wasn’t. I knew I wasn’t.

Over the last year and a bit, I have been working on myself, figuring things out and I’ve finally found a medication that works for me. I can more-or-less say, I am a normal person.

When I don’t think about things, I am happy and can be around people and function quite well.

But come the start of May, I’ll no longer have the sickness benefit. I’ll be transitioning to the dole. Frankly I don’t want to have to do that. All the paperwork and jumping through hoops for WINZ – exhausting.

And when I think of everything that has happened so far this year, it makes me want to breakdown and actually just shut down. If I have to deal with WINZ again, I won’t do well. At all.

I hate how I have to rely on my parents to actually feed me and help me live. If I didn’t have them I would most likely be living out of a cardboard box under a motorway by now. Someone who has “fallen through the cracks”.

Now I am starting to back-track again. No movement on the job front is making me get worse. I really needed a job a few months ago, when I was all happy and enthusiastic. I’m not that now and it probably shows. Yet, getting a job is what will pull me out of the funk again. I hope.

I’m not saying it will solve all my problems, but it will help in solving them. The biggest problem of them all is the no money. I’m running out and fast. You only get so much from a benefit in a week and it’s not enough, even with living with my parents. Particularly with petrol prices going up.

So all of this, on top of Granddad dying, Mum having eye surgeries, being away from Man Piece and some people just being absolute dicks, I’m struggling a bit.

I don’t even know the point I was trying to make with this. I just needed to write and I didn’t do a post yesterday.

I can only hope the next job interview I get, I actually get the job too. It’s not a fix to everything, but it will make everything else look less dim. Especially my bank account.

All I know is that when I burst into tears in the middle of the afternoon for no reason, something’s wrong. You can’t know a lot in this world, but that is something I do know. I’ve had curve ball after curve ball in my life and I just wish I’d finally get one that I can actually hit and it goes straight.

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Laughter is the best medicine.

/ Lisa

Continued with my work for NZHerald today, but was then interrupted by family obligations.

Had to take Sister to airport so she could fly back to Christchurch. I actually want her back. Didn’t want her to return to Christchurch. Frankly, I don’t want anyone I know there at the moment, but that’s not going to happen.

The situation is what it is. We move on as best we can.

When I returned home finally, after running Mother on a few errands too. I finished the work I was doing and my work for the Herald came to an end.

Sad.

Oh well, it was good experience and it made me realise how much I actually love what I do. I can’t wait to find a new job again. It’s given me another boost to find that job. It’s given me the momentum again.

I noticed that my writing speed has increased too. Or, the turn around from interviewing the sources to filing a story that I’m happy with.

Much quicker.

So overall, it was a good experience and I can add it to my CV.

It also got me out of the rut that I was slowly falling into without even realising. I had put everything on hold, now two weeks ago, and hadn’t started anything again. Sure you need the time off, but you can’t leave it too long.

I think I can say my healing has officially begun. I guess I will still have my days or moments over the coming months, or even years, but I’m past the initial grief. If any of you understand what I’m saying. I don’t think any of this is making any sense – and I’m the one writing it!

DOES NOT BODE WELL.

Anyway, had a good chuckle on twitter tonight with the #eqnzpickuplines. I was in a weird mood and it brought me out of it. Had me cracking up and in tears. I feel so much better after having a good laugh. I don’t think I have laughed like that in a long time. Especially not in the last two weeks.

I hope other people had a good laugh too. Those that possibly need it more than me.

Getting out of bed is enough.

/ Lisa / 1 Comment

Nothing spectacular happened today.

I sat at the breakfast bar for the majority of the day doing work. Mostly calling small businesses in Christchurch to see how they fared after the earthquake.
It was actually quite difficult to hear a few of the stories.
One woman I talked to has basically lost her entire business, she doesn’t even know if she will be able to re-open in another location. It’s just lost.
But what got me, was she said she was still lucky – she had her family and that’s all that mattered.
Then it got me thinking, and I probably should have thought this before, but why does it take an event like this to make you realise the most precious things in your life are sitting right next to you?
People are so blaise on a daily basis. Getting all up-in-arms about petty inconsequential things. Sure, they make life easier and more fun, but as long as you’ve got your family, you should be happy right? You should be thankful?
Most people are and I’m sure people in Christchurch are definitely thinking this.
But for me, I still don’t know what makes me happy. I’ve been so unhappy for years and seeing a situation like Christchurch, I just don’t know how to react sometimes.
It’s like if I was to let the full reality of what has happened in Christchurch in, like really let it in, it would decimate me. I would be in bed for weeks and refuse all food.
So to survive, I don’t care. In order to be me, I can’t care. I go on about my daily life like nothing has happened, like more than 150 people haven’t died in a city that I love.
It might sound harsh and like I actually don’t care, but I do have times where I let it all in and I just can’t function in a daily capacity.
For me, it’s self preservation.
And to me, happiness is being able to get out of bed in the morning.

Life begins again with two phone calls.

/ Lisa

Nothing terribly exciting today, so it will be short and sharp. Most likely. I may end up ranting a bit, as I tend to do.

Had a rather good night’s sleep, so I am feeling much better now. Tummy bug seems to be going or uber-stress is fading.

The day began with two phone calls. The first was from a friend who has managed to hook me up with some work to do with the Christchurch Earthquake. Just a bit of compiling information, we’ll say it, for NZHerald.

w00t.

Second call was from the Manawatu Standard. I guess I forgot to mention I had an interview with them last week. Needless to say, it did not go well under the circumstances. I did not get the reporting job there. I am not surprised though. I could barely string a coherent sentence together.

I did decide to go through with the interview though. It had been set up pre-bad news and I did contemplate cancelling, but I thought Granddad would not want me to do that. As he was always asking me, “How’s the job hunt going?” He was always keen to know what I was up to next and to hear about what I was writing.

I am un-phased by this news. I guess I’m not yet back in the right frame of mind to fully get back in to things. Taking is slow, I’ll get there.

Sorry for the disruption, your regular programming will resume again shortly.

/ Lisa / 1 Comment

It’s amazing how a single event can disrupt your life so thoroughly.

I was having a pretty perfect week – hanging with Man Piece in Wellington. I had caught up with friends, Greg and Dave, who I hadn’t seen in ages, and had lunch at a quaint little bakery somewhere on Featherston St.

I went to Te Papa and walked through the European Masters Exhibition and had my own private tour of Parliament with @jacksonjwood.

I hung out with fantastic people and had some casual drinks. It was a good week. A perfect week. Something that I have not had in a long time.

Then it all came crashing down.

My Mother called at around 7pm on my last Saturday in Wellington. The 19th. My Grandfather was dead.

I’d always imagined a call like this. How I would react, how it would feel, but in the end it was all in my head and I didn’t actually have to deal with the reality.

This time I did.

I’ve had my ups and downs in the last week. The funeral has passed, but I don’t think the reality has really sunk in yet. I don’t know when it will. Whether it will be a slow realisation or whether the reality will continue to hit in waves, just like the pain.

There is just no way of knowing.

And if dealing with this loss wasn’t enough, the Christchurch Quake hit far too close to home as well.

Once again, the adrenalin kicked in to know whether family and friends were safe. Some friends I still haven’t heard from, but then again, I don’t even know if they are still in Christchurch to begin with and I can’t seem to find out.

But seeing a city that I love destroyed, breaks my heart. Especially a city that my Grandfather (and family) have a strong connection to. Part of me is glad that Granddad did not see last Tuesday’s devastation.

It has been a very hard week. There have been moments when I didn’t know how to carry on. I just felt like giving up.

But for me, the way I heal and deal with situations is by writing, so I am once again here, to try and continue with my goal of a blog a day. They have not been regular at all, but I hope to change that again. I need this. It is very much an outlet for me.

So this is a quick update on what has been going on. As of tomorrow, I hope to resume my blog a day.

We’ll see how it goes…