I don’t know whether to jump up and down or cry right now. I have so many mixed emotions swirling around my head today and it is so confusing.
Today has been a pretty bad day. I haven’t posted something like what I’m going to say today in a long time, but I feel I need to get it out. This post started out as a post on Instagram, but I found I had a lot more to say than a few sentences.
Today has been a bad day due to a few haters having come my way recently and partly due to my depression. I just really wanted to curl up in a ball in bed and cry. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to let anyone make me feel inferior because I’m not. So yeah… the haters have come out. I thought that I would get a few. I didn’t really know when, but hearing stories from other plus size bloggers, I knew they would come. I thought I would deal with them the way I deal with bullies – tell them to shove off. I did not ask their opinion and if they provided it, I respond as such. It is my life and my body. Only I can dictate what I do with it.
I’ve been back in Wellington for two months now. Man Piece, whose actual name is Jethro (I have never called him by name on my blog before, a first), and I are currently living in a tiny one bedroom apartment in central Wellington. The windows aren’t huge and let in very little light. There is definitely no view. It is hard. I try to get out every day, but some days that black dog known as depression climbs up on my back and I want to hide. I think what makes it even harder is that I have nowhere to go currently. I am unemployed.
But things are starting to look up – I was offered a job today. It’s a relief. I think I can start putting the black dog back in its kennel. It’s progress.
Jethro is my own personal cheerleader. He was never worried about me finding a job and he never pushed me to find one, he just supported me. He tells me daily that I’m pretty, even though I don’t believe him most days. One day I might believe him.
I am on a journey. I know that that journey, particularly to self-confidence and body positivity, is going to have its ups and downs. Today just happened to be a down day with a bit of good news, which helped pick me up. Since starting to do the Aussie Curves outfit challenges my confidence has grown and I have become more positive. I would never have posted photos of myself here or on Instagram two years ago. So much has changed. Yet there is so much more to change.
I didn’t really have a point when I started to write this post, I just had a few things I needed to get off my chest. But thinking about all of it and writing it down has made me feel better (and maybe care less about some of the things people say). It has also made me feel like I need to credit a few people (even if they don’t know it) who have helped me on my journey and in fact helped me begin it in the first place.
A few years ago I stumbled upon Nicola’s blog (@2manycupcakes). I don’t even remember how or when, but I began reading every post. She was the first person I began following who did the Aussie Curves blog challenges. It took me a long time before I looked into it further and eventually started doing them myself. From there I found Dani at danimezza.com, Melissa at Suger Coat It and Jo at iCurvy. I now read all their blogs religiously. Then there’s also Katie at SpijkerKat’s Closet who I think has had the biggest influence on me trying to forget the number and just live and eat healthy. I don’t think these ladies possibly realise how much they influence and inspire people to make a change in their thinking. And if the only thing that comes from this random, rambling blog post is that you go and follow them (either through their blogs or on Instagram), then that’s cool. These ladies were just the start. Through Aussie Curves I have made many new friends and I hope to make more.
I guess what started as a pretty depressing post actually turned into something cool and positive. My way of thinking is changing. Slowly.