Things have been getting to me lately. Like, really getting to me.

I’ve been trying to look on the bright side and think ‘a job will come soon’ or ‘not long now’.

But I’m losing that. I’ve had three job interviews this year – that’s also three since I was let go from previous employer. So obviously there is something that I have that employers are interested in.

But I just can’t seem to hook that job.

It is frustrating, upsetting and quite frankly, annoying.

And I feel I’m running out of time.

Since I finished uni in November 2009, I have been on the sickness benefit, not the dole, like some would believe. Back then, I needed it. I didn’t need WINZ breathing down my neck every week asking whether I had gotten a job. Basically on the sickness benefit, they leave you alone as long as you get a medical certificate every three months. Something my Doctor was quite willing to provide, as she could see I was nowhere near capable of taking on a full-time job. And I wasn’t. I knew I wasn’t.

Over the last year and a bit, I have been working on myself, figuring things out and I’ve finally found a medication that works for me. I can more-or-less say, I am a normal person.

When I don’t think about things, I am happy and can be around people and function quite well.

But come the start of May, I’ll no longer have the sickness benefit. I’ll be transitioning to the dole. Frankly I don’t want to have to do that. All the paperwork and jumping through hoops for WINZ – exhausting.

And when I think of everything that has happened so far this year, it makes me want to breakdown and actually just shut down. If I have to deal with WINZ again, I won’t do well. At all.

I hate how I have to rely on my parents to actually feed me and help me live. If I didn’t have them I would most likely be living out of a cardboard box under a motorway by now. Someone who has “fallen through the cracks”.

Now I am starting to back-track again. No movement on the job front is making me get worse. I really needed a job a few months ago, when I was all happy and enthusiastic. I’m not that now and it probably shows. Yet, getting a job is what will pull me out of the funk again. I hope.

I’m not saying it will solve all my problems, but it will help in solving them. The biggest problem of them all is the no money. I’m running out and fast. You only get so much from a benefit in a week and it’s not enough, even with living with my parents. Particularly with petrol prices going up.

So all of this, on top of Granddad dying, Mum having eye surgeries, being away from Man Piece and some people just being absolute dicks, I’m struggling a bit.

I don’t even know the point I was trying to make with this. I just needed to write and I didn’t do a post yesterday.

I can only hope the next job interview I get, I actually get the job too. It’s not a fix to everything, but it will make everything else look less dim. Especially my bank account.

All I know is that when I burst into tears in the middle of the afternoon for no reason, something’s wrong. You can’t know a lot in this world, but that is something I do know. I’ve had curve ball after curve ball in my life and I just wish I’d finally get one that I can actually hit and it goes straight.